Tired, tired, tired, tired.

Physically tired. Mentally tired. Emotionally tired. Spiritually tired. Almost always. This is what it's like to be living with anxiety and depression. 

To be honest, at least it's my perception, the depression is easing up, but the anxiety is almost always there. I realized recently that I have always been anxious. From the time I was a small child to now. Sometimes it helps to drive me, spur me into action and get a lot accomplished. Other times I'm paralyzed with in action, while wave after wave of anxiety washes over me, like the ocean beating against the rocks, not gently lapping the beach, it's a beating, it is fierce and relentless. At these times I feel the darkness of depression creeping closer...

 Either way, it is living with fear. Sometimes it causes me to make poor decisions, other times it helps me to strive to overcome, but just when I think I'm managing it, I get another attack. 

It keeps me awake, when I badly need to sleep, because sleep deprivation makes it worse and I know this so I desperately try to shut off the negative thoughts flooding my brain and I try to force myself to sleep. To escape the fear. But it won't let me escape into sleep. So I'll read, watch shows, sometimes this woks for a short time. Other times the attack is too strong, the thoughts too pervasive. 

Last night I felt one coming on, I tried to relax, took a bath. Tried to watch a show that I usually find funny but couldn't focus on the words. I finally lay in the dark wishing my tired mind and body to just shut down. But I was too late, I can always feel an attack coming, sometimes I can delay it but I've never been able to stop it. Alone at night is the most vulnerable time, at these times I usually fight the feeling, I tell my self to relax, to go to sleep. I pray and veg and negotiate anything to make it stop. But last night I decided to stop fighting it. I decided to lay in bed and let the thoughts poor through me with out correction, comment or subtext. I decided to just feel the waves wash over me, because it made it worse to fight. So I didn't, I just floated on the stormy sea of my fears and eventually, exhausted I fell into a restless sleep. 

Today the storm has past, I'm tired, but no longer panicking. I need to get some things done while I still can function.

I don't really tell people that I have anxiety and depression. I want to believe that I'm managing it, I'm not depressed, not anymore. But it's there, like a beast prowling the perimeter of my mind, it's always there, ready to sneak up and drag me back down. But it's currently held at bay.

The anxiety is almost always present, I say that because on rare occasions il have a really great day. I'll have a good nights sleep, and I'll have an anxiety free day. I get things done, I can ponder decisions with a haze of fear affecting my perception. It's amazing, and I start to think that I don't have a problem. And I don't. For that one glorious day. 

It was a breakthrough for me, to not fight. To just allow the anxiety to have its say, I got to sleep faster than normal, the fact that I did sleep, was an accomplishment. So no I didn't rest, my dreams simply took the fight into my subconscious and I dreamed I was helping people to run away from oppression or I was saving children from abuse, or reuniting families, but I slept. So yes, I'm tired and I have a headache but for now I'm relatively calm. It's time to move on with the day. 

Time flies when you're...

I'm not sure if time only flies when having fun but it definitely flies when you are too busy to figure out to do with it. Can't believe I didn't post once last year. I know I came close to writing but I held my tongue on various issues, some very controversial others not so much. I held my tongue because I didn't want to commit to pen and paper, or this case digital records, anything I might one day regret. I didn't want my post to be a long rant on fecklessness of fair weather friends, the convoluted views of gay marriage activists and their ilk, the wholesale slaughter of the voiceless unborn, or the fickleness of so called followers of Christ, including members of my own church. I will still write on these things but not here. 

Right now I just want to marvel at time. It's already 2016, and not much has changed in my life. I have started a new career venture, not sure how I feel about it yet as I am still teaching full time. Doing both is exhausting, but I'm putting along. 

I marvel at how even though my boy and I set a goal to be married before the end of 2015, we failed to reach that goal. So simple and yet so complex. In January the year always feels so long, yet so little can happen in that time. It's truly amazing. Even though I know why time was seemingly so poorly spent, it still astounds me. I want to go back and change s few things but since I can't change the people it wouldn't do any good. 

So I must look to this year with greater optimism, and greater faith that I am deserving of my righteous desires and that that they will happen. 

I must believe, otherwise what is the point to this year? 

Summer Hope

It was the start of summer this last week. School is out so I finally have time to work in my internship binder. But really I'd rather talk about the weather. It's beautiful outside. The sun is bright and beautiful and the air is crisp and warm. I love summer, it makes one feel hope. I've started to have hope for the future. The beautiful days make me think that anything is possible and my analytical mind is ready to start making plans again. Plans that I can fullfil, nothing long term but simple short term goals to give me strength as I slowly make my way into the distant future. 

My Path

Faith/Fear, Hope/Dispare

There are times in my life I feel I can see into my future. I know exactly what path I am on and it is well lit with no unexpected twist, turns or nothing that blocks my way. These times can be filled with hope, peace and joy or they can be filled with fear, dispare and unease. The funny thing about this is that, like the picture above, the road doesn't change, just the perspective. Perspective is a funny thing. Most people believe that their perspective is the absolute truth, and for them it is. It's how they view a particular situation or path on which they are walking. This does not mean that the path has changed. 

The path is life and, bottom line, it is one that we must walk alone. I know that sounds pessimistic but it's true, no one can live my life for me, I must do it myself. At times others paths may run parallel to mine, but I never can tell how long that may happen. At other times a path may almost seem to join mine, but no matter how close I feel to that other person, their path and mine are not the same. They experience bumps, twists, turns, fog, clear days, fallen trees etc... differently than I do. I may perceive that our paths will be parallel for a long period of time, but they may have fog on their path and may not be able to see the same. 

The path only changes when what I think I knew changes, when what was light becomes dark, and the light at the end looks cold instead of warm and hopeful. It can also be hard when a friends path, that once ran so close to mine, starts to veer away. At these times, it's hard to not feel abandoned, as I had become so accustomed to their companionship. I had begun to feel as if I didn't walk my path alone and maybe we shared a path. But the truth is, we are always alone. No one can see as I see, feel as I feel, think as I think. A bump in the road that may be painful for one person to trip over on their path, may be a mountain on mine over which I have to climb and risk falling repeatedly before I can reach the top and start to make my way over to the other side. All the while trying to change my perspective of my path through positive thinking. I'm learning, however, that positive thinking cannot change the landscape, no matter how much faith you have. Only God can move some mountains, and only God can drop some mountains in your path. And everyone you know will tell you it's for your good, that He's trying to teach you a lesson, help you grow, become more like him. At times like this I feel God must be miserable because misery loves company. I know that sounds blasphemous, I don't really mean it, but I feel that way sometimes. Something is threatening my path, and my perspective, unfortunately, is changing. What I thought I knew, the thing I had so much confidence and faith in, is being threatened. I can no longer see more than a foot or two infront of me, and its dark. There is a light up a head, but at the moment I cannot tell if it is the realization of the dreams I currently hold, or the light of an empty tomorrow. I do know that as long as I keep walking, this will pass, though I fear I will not pass over this mountain unscathed.  

There really is nothing to do but keep walking and hoping for the best. I try to keep the fear at bay with what little faith I have left. Fear is like a hungry wolf on the edge of my path, at times it feels as though it has overcome me but I keep beating it back. I have found that by walking near another helps a little, it's hardest when I'm alone and my fire of faith is dim. 

But I have found even on the darkest of paths there is always hope, even if what you hope for doesn't happen, there is always hope that someday the path will be light, bright, warm.  Full of peace and joy. 

Sleepy Sunday

Sleepy Sunday

So I was catching up on my journal today, you know, writing down the events of the last few days and my thoughts and impressions of those events . I've decided that there is something strangely soporific about doing that. Yes it took me about an hour to get caught up on my entries, what I really need to do is get back in the habit of writing in it each day, that way I don't have to do the marathon writing sessions which leave me sleepy and my hand sore. That being said, I do believe it's terribly important for people to write journals, not just diaries (a list of what they did, ate etc..) but an actual journal. Something that not only chronicles the events in ones life, but also their impressions of those events. Their sacred feelings and impressions from God. Some people journal on their blogs, but as anyone can see writing on my blog is not my forte. Not only that but in my journal I can write anything and everything that I think and feel, but with a blog I'm too aware that there are others that may be reading every word I write. Not many as I believe there are only three people who actually follow my blog, but I only write in it about two to three times a year. Set that aside, I still feel like I'm performing when I write a blog. There is this need to be witty, clever, funny or deep. I can be witty and clever but unfortunately not many find me so and I amuse myself more than I do any other person of my acquaintance. Kind of sad if you think about it, so I guess it's a good thing that I don't. So where I write often in my soporific journal, in which I apologize often to my future posterity who will one day read my journals and think that I am very melodramatic or border line overly emotional. I do reassure them that I am a well adjusted, high functioning adult and my journal is where I vent. I've only learned in recent years how to vent to people and I'm not very good at it because I always feel like I'm complaining. So I vent in my journal. I highly recommend it, it's wonderful because you can work out all your issues, have a perfect sounding board and you don't have to worry about getting any useless advice you know you wont follow, mostly because it's not applicable/appropriate to your situation and is usually overly laden with personal opinion from the giver. That is not something I need. Which is why I'm very selective about whom I talk to on any given subject. People are good for bouncing certain ideas/problems off of, journals are for everything that you can't verbally articulate, but it's okay to put into words. Have you ever noticed that people put the sappiest, most heart wrenching situations into words on a page, but if you ever read them they sound ridiculous. I feel and think differently than I talk and I believe many people are like that. There is a way to talk in our culture which allows one to use many words without ever saying anything substantial. But when you write, there has to be something there, or at least their ought to be something there. Too often people like to play games with words and say very little, and yet they are constantly throwing words together. It's like baking a cake with every ingredient in the kitchen. It's fascinating and, like watching a car wreck, you can't help but watch or listen. But when it's all said and done, you find that there is nothing there but a pile of burnt crap. Unfit for any type of consumption. This is how I feel when our current president speaks and those with whom he surrounds himself.

So back to journalling, say what you mean and mean what you say. It doesn't matter if you are especially loquacious or a man/woman of few words. Anyone can put their thoughts out there for other to digest. We all have a right to our thoughts and opinions, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It doesn't matter if someone disagrees with what I write in my journal or on my blog. These are mine, my thoughts, my opinions. I am a free agent, able to act for myself and that includes think for myself. I can draw my own conclusions on my life and the issues in my world, and decide for myself if they be right or wrong. God gave me that agency and no man or power will ever, can ever take that away from me without my consent, and that is something I will never give.
To end I say a prayer:

God bless all those who fearlessly stand up for truths and for those things which are good. Those who will not allow a wicked and evil generation and leaders to take their freedoms from them. Those who are working and fighting to make this world a better place and who only want to serve God by serving their fellow man. God bless all of those who are struggling with disease, whether of the body or the mind, I pray they will find the strength and courage to face their tribulations and will ask God to stand by them. We all go through trials, often it is so we can learn from them. Ask "What is it that God would have me learn from this?" then get off your knees and serve others. Forget yourself in the service of others and you will find that your own burdens will feel lighter.
God bless Israel and protect and watch over her and her people. Defend her from her enemies and embolden her allies to stand by her courageously. God help us to defend our boarders from those who would hurt our people and take away our sovereignty, even if that means defending us from those who have sworn to protect this great nation. Help this nation to choose good and righteous men as our leaders and cease to do evil and to choose evil. Bless our leaders that they will have Thy spirit to be with them that they might make decisions based upon Thy will, that this people might prosper and be kept safe from her enemies that lay both within our boarders and without. Heavenly Father, I am so grateful for Thy gospel being restored upon this Earth, never to be removed. I'm grateful to be apart of Thy great kingdom. I'm grateful for the knowledge and comfort that can be had in learning about and living Thy gospel. I pray that all peoples might one day know of Thy goodness and partake in Thy glory.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

STAND WITH COURAGE

It will never cease to amaze me the double standard the world holds when it thinks of the Jews and of Israel. Currently, Israel is surrounded by enemies who have threatened repeatedly to kill all the Jews in Israel, and a few have attempted to follow through on those threats. The amazing part is when Israel acts to defend herself our news media and our cowardly bureaucrats accuse Israel of being the aggressor. When the USA was bombed in 2001 by muslim extremists, no one doubted our right to go after those who executed that act of war, and the USA is still at war. But when Israel does the same she is accused of trying to oppress and dominate others. It's frustrating and disgusting the worlds double standard. The Jewish people are a wonderful peaceful people who have been beaten, murdered and scattered for thousands of years. They were forcefully removed from their homeland, but God did not forget them. They were promised that land and the gathering of Israel was promised and foretold and is coming to pass. They have tried to negotiate with their enemies, they have tried to pacify them, but it is difficult to negotiate peace with people who threaten to kill them, who have announced (as the Syrian President has done on many occasions) that the goal is to wipe the Jews off the face of the earth. They are trying to erase the Jewish history and the people. Nowhere else in the world is there a people who is so heavily pressured to be a floor mat to their neighbors and give up their sovereignty and their right to defend themselves. Israel must have clear defensible boarders. She has a right to defend herself against her enemies and has a claim that is based on heritage and legal rights to Jerusalem and to Judea and Samaria (wrongly renamed the west bank).  I will help her in anyway I can and I call upon our leaders to stand by our friends and stop courting our enemies. Israel is our friend, she has always been a good friend to us and we should not turn our back on her now in her time of need. I do not want to live to see another holocaust and I will do all I can to prevent such atrocities from happening again to any group of people. I pray that God will give the friends of Israel the courage needed to stand with her and do all they can to support her in whatever capacity she requests, needs, or demands, whatever the case may be. The "palestinian president"(I do not recognize this as a people but as a terrorist sponsored organization) is planning on pressuring the UN to grant him statehood with land that is not his. He, and his supporters, have been spreading their lies and are hoping that the UN will aide them in stealing from Israel and ultimately in the genocide of her people. I pray that on September 20 the UN will find their courage and will stand with Israel.

 It is not easy for me to share what I think and feel on political and religious issues. I realize there are those who do not feel or think the same as I do, and that's okay. In fact I think diversity in thought and creed to be one of the many things that make this such a wonderful world, however when those different thoughts and feelings encourage violence and evil I can not ignore that nor do I have to tolerate such people. No one has a right to subjugate another people, to kill them on a whim, or to cause them to be removed from their homes and their lawful lands. Against such evil all peoples must stand. I may have fear, but I will not be afraid of standing by my brothers and sisters in Israel. I too am a member of the ancient house of Israel and the Jews are my brothers and sisters. What Ruth said unto Naomi I say unto them "...thy people, my people. Thy God, my God..." I pray that all peaceful people, regardless of nationality or creed, will stand with these good people and help them to make their lands a land of peace and prosperity to all who wish to abide there, without the fear of attack by terrorist or militant neighbors. Israel is a free democratic nation, and there are many places where Jews, Christians and Muslims gather peacefully. They coexist peacefully, work, play attend school. They prove to the world that peace and prosperity is possible. That it is possible for these three faiths to live and prosper side by side. Stand with THEM! They are correct! Stand with them against those who tell them that their way of life is wrong. Against those who would love nothing more than to wipe out not only all Jews but Christians as well and place the world under one world order where no one is free. There are those out their who have already made the choice, Glenn Beck and his company helped sponsor an event this month in Israel to help raise awareness. I say God bless them. The dividing line is being drawn, on which side will you be? I will stand with God and with Israel.

Jennifer Faith Wirick

My Tee-shirt

Sayings I want on a T-Shirt:

1. Date a girl who reads...

2. I'm a (fermata) and you can hold me as long as you want.

3. Silence is a virtue.

4. You can't scare me, I teach special ed prek.

5. Not for sale

6.  I'm my families favorite.

7. weak sauce

8. Duct tape works

9. My families more dysFUNctional than yours.

10. Time travel is possible.

11. I want patience NOW!

12. Nerd Girl Problem (there's several that I want, most have to do with books.)

13. Books are my drug

theres more to come...